its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
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