hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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