No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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