I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
