I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
