I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
