i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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