Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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