my mouth tastes like poor choices
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
