the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
