a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
