I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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