There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
