Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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