Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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