so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
