Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
