I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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