You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
