Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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