This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
