I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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