a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
