The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
