Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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