so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
