He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
You ate ashes out of my bong
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
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