I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
