I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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