3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
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