There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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