apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
