What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
