I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
