I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
