I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
