Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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