I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
