She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
