I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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