the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
sarcasm needs its own font
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
