Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Randomize
