I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
