dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
