I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Randomize
