cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
