I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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