Ambien. No doubt about it.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
