I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
