I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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