the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
